


Time Won't Let Go

by hellsinki



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, Future!barry looks at him when he says i broke my promise to all of you, Julian hangs his head, M/M, also they defeat savitar and everyone lives ok?, and then there's julian, it's 2024 and everything's a mess, missing scene from 3x19, present barry trying to make sense of it all, somehow there's always julian, this is their untold story, when nobody else is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 23:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10797324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellsinki/pseuds/hellsinki
Summary: “Kiss him for me before you leave, will you?” Kissing Julian Albert? Now there is a thought.This fic picks up after Future Barry talks about broken promises and looks specifically at Julian who hangs his head in disappointment and grief. Then everything changes from this point on. Or perhaps, it really doesn't. For one of them in particular.





	Time Won't Let Go

_Time won’t let go_

_It’s got you in debt now_

_And it’s got me crawling all the way back to the start_

_I swear that I saw you there_

_Your hands were reaching out for mine. -[Old Heart Falls, Katatonia](https://youtu.be/IIGBNc2nFZA)_

 

 

“What happened to us?”

“You saw it all, did you not.”

Barry doesn’t like the haircut. The condescending tone, the flippant remarks. The dilapidated state of STAR Labs as he looks around. The future is a mess. To think that one death was the reason for this all. Perhaps Iris was the centerpiece in all their lives. Or maybe just Barry’s. He dragged everyone else down with him. This is all his fault.

“Between me and Julian. I can’t read him. He hasn't said one word about himself. He just talks about Caitlin. I saw how you looked at him.”

His future self heaves a deep sigh. “How?”

“With regret. When you were talking about broken promises. You glanced in his direction. I saw the way he hang his head in disappointment. What promise did you give him and break?

“Why do you want to know? You won’t start caring about him until it doesn’t matter anymore.” There is no bitterness in his tone, just naked honesty. It makes Barry’s blood run cold.

“Of course I care about him, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about 2019.”

“What’s gonna happen then?” He asks with a certain amount of trepidation. This is something he both wants and doesn’t want to know.

His future self catches on to his hesitance. “Why don’t you wait and see?”

The defeated tone jars Barry out of any doubts. “I didn't come all this way to 2024 to wait for things to happen at their own leisure time.”

Allen shakes his head, long strands of dull, limp hair falling into his eyes. Barry feels an itch under his skin to reach out and push all that hair aside. Those eyes look so haunted though. Perhaps the hair is a veil to hide them from wandering eyes. “You’re not God, Barry Allen. You can’t have everything you want.”

“What do I want?”

A laugh of derision echoes ominously inside the wrecked cortex. It makes a shiver run down Barry’s spine. Here they are, a tangle of past and future intertwined, standing amidst the debris, going through an existential crisis. They’re quite a sight. “I should know, shouldn’t I? As your future self who has begun to realize what he wants only when he has lost them all.”

“Tell me what they are before I lose them.” He almost sounds like he is pleading, with the way his breath hitched and his eyes stung. He doesn’t care.

Allen doesn’t seem to have heard him at all. “Do you think it’s selfish?”

“What?”

“How I want to keep him to myself and away from you? When you and I are technically the same person.”

“Him? Who are you talking about?”

Allen’s eyes flash something fierce behind the dark curtain of his hair. “See? You don’t even know him. You don’t even love him. How can I give him over to you, when you don’t deserve him?”

“Stop talking in riddles, Allen. Tell me who you’ve gone and fallen in love with.” The thought is absurd, like cotton candies have replaced his brain cells when he made the trip to here and now. He is in love with Iris, has always been, will always be. The future doesn’t make any sense at all.

“You know who. You came here to ask about him, did you not.”

“Julian?” He wants to be shocked at the revelation, but he is not. There is something at the back of his mind, a faint whisper like gentle flutters of the wings of a butterfly, that he always knew something like this would happen. That falling for Julian Albert was inevitable. In a future that doesn’t make sense, in the aftermath of an apocalypse, where everything else is gone, there is only one man who remains. Call it cosmic irony, but that’s how the world turns on its hinges.

“Oh but how hard I fell. Headfirst into a swamp. He extended his hand but I refused. ‘No thanks, I actually like it down here, sinking into the sewage of all my mistakes and failures. Look at me, I’m repulsive. Go away.’”

Allen buries his face in his hands and his shoulders shake in silent laughter. Maybe it’s tears. Barry hopes that it’s the tears. Grief should make you cry not laugh. That would be a bad sign, sign of insanity.

When Allen drops his hands and looks up, Barry notices that his eyes are not wet. Should have guessed. Everything about future is insane. He might as well be the icing on the cake.

“You pushed him away. Why?”

Allen gives a short shrug. “Why not? He was the sun when I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and hide away from the world. He wanted to make me feel that I deserved redemption, happiness, love. I deserved none of them.”

“But he thought you did.”

“He was wrong.”

Barry feels frustration bubble all the way up to his throat at his future self’s blasé front. “Just look at yourself, Allen. You haven’t just lost everything, you threw it all away. You’re the one who’s been wrong. Why did you reject him if you wanted to pine after him anyway?”

Allen gets to his feet to pace around the cortex. Barry follows him with his eyes. “After Iris died...I tried so hard to keep it all together but...I wasn’t strong enough. I blamed myself for everything, I couldn’t accept anyone’s help, I didn’t deserve it. But Julian...he was the most stubborn of them all. And I hurt him the most; I abused him with my words, I lashed out and threw him out, once I even punched him in the face and he just stood there, right where you’re standing now, with blood dripping from his nose into his mouth, looking at me with those cursed blue eyes of his, and said, ‘I’m not giving up. You told me not to give up on you and I won’t break my promises; not even to those who broke theirs to me.’”

He takes a breath and pushes his hair back from his face. In the moment it takes the long strands to fall back into their original place, Barry notices that those dead, haunted eyes are red-rimmed and wet. “He came back the next day, patching up my fist that I had slammed into the mirror after he had left with that bloody nose. His nose was bruised and he had a split lip. I wondered who’d patch _him_ up. He took care of Cisco when he lost his hands. He took care of Wally for a while until he found him a suitable nurse. He took over Joe’s duties at the precinct. He’s been keeping an eye on Caitlin for a long time now. And he still spared some time to reach out to me. ‘Who’s taking care of you,’ I asked. He just smiled.”

Barry feels a lump in his throat, big enough to choke him up. Somehow, despite the cutting sarcasm and social awkwardness and trust issues, Julian Albert has been the most selfless of them all.

“What happens in 2019?”

“I tried to kill myself. He stopped me.”

“And then, what? You fell in love?”

Allen gives him a mystified smile. “It’s impossible not to, when he becomes the only reason you’re still alive.”

Somehow it starts to make sense now. The only thing that does. Barry Allen’s love for the British CSI, seven years into the future. Another example of cosmic irony? Perhaps not.

“You should...you two should have a talk.”

Allen takes several steps forward, standing mere inches apart from seven years of less tragedy and heartache in his wretched life. He takes Barry’s hands into his; his hold, surprisingly, is firm and warm. “You don’t understand, Barry. It hasn’t happened to you yet. This soul-consuming self-loathing, this overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Every time I look at him I just realize how undeserving of his love and attention I am. I can’t touch him with these poisonous thoughts in my head. It won’t feel right. But perhaps you can.”

“What?”

“Kiss him for me before you leave, will you?”

Kissing Julian Albert? Now there is a thought.

 

*******

 

He can’t believe he is spending almost all his time at Iron Heights. Is it guilt or love? What happens when the two feelings start to bleed into one another? Shouldn’t _he_ be the one to know exactly what? Guilt contaminates all feelings, like a drop of poison in a glass of water. He wonders if that’s why Julian has persisted this long in his love for Allen. Because it hasn’t been contaminated by guilt. Because it is still pure, even if terribly bruised, beaten down and thrown away like a broken heart.

It is still love. Barry suddenly realizes how much he wants a taste of it right now.

Julian pushes his glasses up on his nose. Barry imagines ribbons of blood running down his nose, coating the cracks of his lips and staining his jaw. He had once punched Julian in the face with enough force to knock him out. He didn’t check if he had bled at the time. He never had anyone to patch him up.

Barry pushes the terrible thoughts aside. “I had a talk with him. About you. About us.”

“Allen, go back home.” He sounds tired, he looks tired. Looking at him makes Barry feel a bone-crushing exhaustion. He almost asks, ‘when was the last time you had a good night’s sleep?’ but he doesn’t. He can venture a guess. Those dark bags under his eyes bespeak of a chronic insomnia. Perhaps the glasses are Julian’s walls to hide more than his poor sight behind.

“I will, but I promised him a kiss. To you.”

The corner of Julian's lips lifts up in an amused smile. “And what will you promise me?”

“I’ll stop Savitar. I’ll save everyone.” Barry clenches his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms.

“My hero,” he says with fond sarcasm and leans forward for a kiss.

Barry closes his eyes to feel everything. The firm pressure of warm, soft lips against his own cold, chapped ones, the gust of hot breath over his chilled skin, Julian’s hands holding onto his hips and then moving upward to cradle his head and tangle his long, slender fingers into his hair. The taste on his lips, the wet brush of his tongue against his, that little sigh of relief like waking up to gentle rays of sunshine pouring into a room after a restless sleep. They moan into each other’s mouth and Barry feels dizzy from the onslaught of desire he had no idea he has been holding for this man all this time.

He is kissing Julian Albert seven years into the future. It is too late, but it still feels right.

 

*******

“I’m so happy for you.”

Barry looks at the blond man in his tailored tuxedo. His soft golden hair is neatly brushed to the side, his perfect blue eyes a vibrant shade in the sun. He has a soft smile on those lips that Barry once had a taste of. Only once, and in a future that never happened, but the taste has somehow lingered on.

Barry wonders if he still tastes the same. If he were to lean down and claim those smiling lips, will he be able to taste that love that he let die along with everything else in that wretched timeline? He promised Julian to save everyone. But he ended up sacrificing his love.

“Are you really?” He puts his glass of champagne cocktail on one of the tables in the garden and moves closer to Julian. Somewhere to his right in the distance, Iris, looking stunning and radiant in her wedding dress, is laughing heartily at something Cisco has said.

It’s 2019 and he is getting married to Iris West, the love of his life.

“What?” Julian raises a brow in confusion. His fingers are grasped around a glass of lavender champagne. He looks handsome. He looks fine. Barry feels an ache in his heart, as if someone is poking around it with a rod.

“Happy? Julian, are you happy? Isn’t there anything you wish to have right now?”

“I assume you know something about me in the timeline that I didn’t live.” His tone is dry. Julian has always been smart, always too observant for his own good. Barry knows he can’t really lie to those eyes.

“You and I were in love.” He doesn’t go into details, leaves out all the heartbreaking drama. He doesn’t think Julian wants to hear about it now. He has a look in his eyes that tells Barry he already knows it all.

“So I guess not much has changed for me, then.”

“Julian -”

Julian is quick to cut him off, “Barry, it’s fine. Don’t worry about me. It’s always been easier to love you from afar. And I’m leaving town next week. Loving you will be a breeze then.”

Barry loves it when Julian’s smiles reach all the way into his eyes. He looks simply stunning like that. White, straight teeth gleaning against pink lips in the mist of the spring sunlight.

“I’ve always had feelings for you too, even if I didn't get a chance to act on them.”

Julian’s smile hones down into something tender and soft. “I know. That’s why distance will be good for us. Barry Allen, it was a pleasure knowing you.”

Hot tears prickle at his eyes. This is their intimate goodbye. Barry pulls Julian into a tight embrace, causing him to drop his glass of champagne on the grass. They both laugh at each other’s clumsiness but don’t let go of the hug.

“Whenever you thought you wanted to see me, just give me a call and I’ll be there in the blink of an eye, alright?”

“Perks of being in a long-distance relationship with a speedster, ha?”

“I love you, Julian.” And he smiles when he realizes it’s a kind of love that isn't contaminated by guilt, regret or loss.

Julian places a small, chaste kiss on his cheek, “idiot.” He pulls away with an affectionate smile and twinkling eyes.

Barry loves those eyes.

Somewhere in the distance, Iris calls out their names to join her and the rest of team flash for a group photo. Joe looks proud. Caitlin is waiving a camera in the air with the widest grin on her face. Harry and HR are bickering over one another’s choice of tie, while Cisco is busy showing off his latest invention to Jesse whose eyes are set firmly on Wally looking sharp and tall standing next to the bride.

It's a perfect time to start a new life for them all.

“This is a good life, Barry. Live it well.”

Barry takes Julian’s hand in his and squeezes hard.

Here's a promise he intends to keep, at all cost.


End file.
